How to Help a Friend
As a friend of another University of Minnesota, Morris student, you have a unique opportunity to positively impact your friend’s life. When a student is upset or in distress, she/he commonly turns to friends for support or advice. College students generally like to help out their friends. Much of the time, this works out well and your input helps your friend through her/his problem. At other times the problems that are brought by a friend can be very intense, feel overwhelming, or make you feel afraid. It is important to pay attention to these feelings, since they may be signaling that you are at the limits of what you know to do to be helpful. It is at this time that you can best help your friend by suggesting that she/he might benefit from talking to a professional.
Remember: You are not alone! When you are in a situation in which you are talking with a friend about her/his problems, here are some general guidelines to keep in mind:
Do not take on other people’s problems and then feel responsible for the outcome of the problem.
If you find that you are spending large amounts of time talking to your friend, worrying about her/him, and/or trying to solve their problems for her/him, it is time for you to bring in other people to help. You are here for an education and growth experiences, and taking on other’s problems distracts you from those goals.
Do not promise your friend confidentiality of any information they may pass along to you when they talk to you about a problem.
By doing so, you may later be in a difficult situation if the situation is beyond what you can assist and has possibly turned into a situation involving danger for your friend or others. You may delay asking for needed help because you promised not to tell anyone.
Get support for yourself if you feel you need it or if you do not know what to do to help your friend any further.
There are many resources available at the university and you can find these listed at the mental health web page. Student Counseling provides consultation to students and other who are unsure about what to do to help a distressed student. If you are in the residence halls, please talk with a residence hall staff member and they can direct you to additional resources as well.
Safety always comes first.
If you feel an issue was a violation of the Student Code of Conduct, please contact the Secretary of the Student Behavior Committee, and the Assistant Vice Chancellor of Student Life, Henry Fulda. 320-589-6470.
Indicators of Distress
Sometimes friends will let you know in a direct way that something is bothering her/him by telling you about it. At other times, friends may not directly tell you that something is wrong, depending on the person and/or the situation with which they are dealing. At times like this, it is important to know what kinds of things to notice in your friends that will signal that she/he is overstressed and overtaxed.
Listed below are some categories of Indicators of Distress* with specific examples under each category. This is not a comprehensive list of all Indicators, but rather, a listing of problems that typically may occur. As you read through these Indicators, please also keep in mind the following:
- Friends that you choose to talk to may or may not have a mental health concern. Respond to her/his behavior. Don’t try to diagnose.
- None of these Indicators alone is sufficient for predicting mental health problems, aggression and/or violence to self or others. However, when they occur in combination they may suggest your friend is in distress and that you may want to draw in other professionals for advice on how to handle the situation.
- Know your limits and don’t overextend yourself. Experience shows that sometimes other students get too involved in trying to help their friends and then struggle if their efforts are not having the positive effect they are seeking.
- It is better to act sooner rather than later.
- The intention here is to increase your awareness of signs that something might be wrong with your friend. However, the information below is not meant to suggest that you must be a “junior therapist” and ask questions to pull out information. Rather, these are behaviors that you may observe and/or that your friend may share in conversation.
- Cultural factors often play a role in how students communicate distress. Students from some cultural backgrounds may believe that it is shameful to talk about their problems with anyone outside of their family. Others may communicate distress through complaints about physical symptoms.
- International students may experience signs of “culture shock” at some point after their arrival in the United States. This is a common reaction to adjusting to different beliefs, attitudes, and values in a new country. Problems encountered by an international student may create a complex situation for her/him because of the rules and regulations regarding foreign citizens and whether they are in or out of status. The International Student Program, 320-589-6094, can provide assistance to students or concerned friends and make sure that any decisions made to solve the problems will not jeopardize the student’s ability to remain in the U.S.
ACADEMIC INDICATIORS OF DISTRESS
- Missed assignments
- Deterioration in quality of work
- A drop in grades
- Repeated absences from class
- A negative change in classroom performance
- Verbal aggressiveness in class meetings
- Disorganized or erratic performance
- Continual seeking of special accommodations (late papers, extensions, postponed examinations, etc.)
- Essays or creative work that indicate extremes of hopelessness, social isolation, rage, or despair
PERSONAL/INTERPERSONAL INDICATORS OF DISTRESS
- Unprovoked anger or hostility
- Excessive dependency
- Expressions of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Exaggerated personality traits (e.g., more withdrawn or animated than normal)
- Direct statements indicating distress, family problems, or other difficulties
- A hunch or gut-level reaction that something is wrong
- Expressions of concern about a student in the class by his/her peers
- Changes in typical clothing (baggy clothing; long sleeves; inappropriate for weather)
PHYSICAL INDICATORS OF DISTRESS
- Deterioration in physical appearance
- Visible changes in weight
- Lack of personal hygiene
- Excessive fatigue
- Appearing bleary-eyed, hung over, or smelling of alcohol
- Appearing sick or ill
- Chapped hands
ENVIRONMENTAL INDICATORS OF DISTRESS
- Observations from janitorial staff
- Not picking up mail in residence hall mailbox
- Not using meal card in the residence hall dining room
- Formal disciplinary notices in the residence hall
SAFETY/RISK INDICATORS OF DISTRESS
- Statements to the effect that the student is “going away for a long time”
- Any written note or verbal statement that has a “sense of finality” (possible suicidality)
- Severe depression
- Any history of suicidal thoughts or attempts
- Giving away of prized possessions
- Self-injurious or self-destructive behaviors
- Out-of-control behavior
- Essays or papers that focus on despair, suicide, death, violence or aggression
- Verbal or written (email) threats of harm to self or others
Beginning a Conversation About Your Concerns
By communicating interest and concern to a distressed student, you may play an
important role in helping that student regain the balance to cope with distress and function well. If you are not sure how to approach a student you are concerned about, consult with a friend, or call Student Counseling (320-589-6060) and ask to speak with a counselor. Counselors are available to serve as consultants to students, faculty, and staff handling difficult student situations.
If you choose to approach a friend you’re concerned about or if a friend reaches out to you for help with personal concerns, here are some suggestions that might make the opportunity more comfortable for you and more helpful for your friend.
Talk to your friend, either alone or with someone else, in private. Speak directly, sincerely, and honestly.
Express your concern in specific, nonjudgmental terms and within a context of caring and concern. Tell her/him clearly what behaviors you have observed that are causing you concern.
Listen to thoughts and feelings in a sensitive, non-threatening way. Communicate understanding by repeating back the essence of what the student has told you.
Let your friend know that you believe a counselor would be of help. If she/he takes a defensive posture, simply restate your concerns and recommendations.
If your friend is willing to schedule an appointment, offer to assist this process by offering her/him immediate use of your phone or by walking her/him to Student Counseling if you are willing to do so.
Monday–Friday from 8am–12pm & 1 p.m.–4:30 p.m.
The office is located on the 2nd floor of Behmler Hall, room 235.
Dangerous crisis situations include suicidal behaviors or threats, homicidal behavior or threats, irrational dangerous behavior, or excessive consumption of alcohol or drugs. If you are not sure whether the situation represents immediate danger, err on the side of caution and call 911. See more information about Crisis Situations
If the mental health crisis is not dangerous, but you wish to talk to someone immediately after hours or on weekends for assistance about what to do next, call the following 24-hour help line:
Crisis Connection is a 24 hour helpline for the state of Minnesota.
Referring a Friend - on-campus resources
Student Counseling helps students cope with mental illnesses, recover from alcohol or drug abuse, and manage any type of personal crises or stress. Student Counseling also deals with emergencies, such as suicide threats and sexual assault. After hours, students in need of emergency services can call campus police at 320-208-6500, or 911.
Wellness Center and Clayton A Gay Hall 16A (across the lobby from Health Services)
Staff: Jeanne Williamson, senior clinical counselor
The Violence Prevention Program provides advocacy services to students who are victim/survivors and concerned persons affected by sexual assault, relationship violence, and stalking. The Violence Prevention Program can help coordinate care on and off campus (academics, housing, medical care, etc.), assist in filing police reports, and assist with the campus judicial process. The Violence Prevention Program also provides prevention and awareness education.